“My life is filled with good things and hard things, and I’ve been through enough to know that there is no difference between the two.”
-Alyssa Wadsworth
My name is Alyssa Wadsworth, and I’ve fought tooth and nail to get here. I am a Christian, wife, and a mom to a 2-year-old little boy named Emerson. I have faced hard times on many occasions throughout my life, but things completely changed when I became a mom. I didn’t know who I was anymore, or who I was supposed to be. I didn’t know how to be all that everyone needed me to be, and it left me feeling fearful, exhausted, and anxious about the future.
I’ve lived most of my life with anxiety, but postpartum anxiety? There’s nothing quite like it. I started unraveling- slowly, at first, and then my whole world came crashing down.
I’ll share more about that later. Right now, I want to start from the very beginning. I love to be completely transparent in hopes that it might relate to others and make them feel less alone.
I grew up in constant anxiety and fear over, well, you name it. My parents fought a lot when I was a child, and I knew at a very young age about financial and marital struggles. I was so young, yet I internalized these things and somehow convinced myself that my parents problems were all my fault.
Growing up, I started believing that all the world’s problems were mine to fix. I felt things so deeply, more than other people could understand. Painful, traumatic situations that were happening to others felt completely real to me. Somehow I always felt the deep pain that others were going through, and I’ve spent my life blaming myself for not being able to fix them.
I’ve been in church all of my life and considered myself a Christian from the very young age of 12 when I gave my heart to the Lord and got baptized at youth camp.
I’ve known God for all of my life, yet it’s taken me til the age of 28 to actually start living like it.
My parents ended up divorced when I was 9 years old, and we moved from place to place at least once a year. I felt like I had no stability or consistency in life. I always had so much fear of the unknown and hated to leave every single place that felt like home.
I didn’t make friends easily and I have always considered myself an introvert. I didn't know how to cope with all of the things I had already gone through in my very young life. So what did I do?
I tried dating.
At thirteen years old, I had my first abusive relationship with a boy a few years older than me. He told me what I could and couldn’t do, what I could wear, and who I could talk to. Everyone around me seemed so clueless as to what was going on, and I wanted desperately to cry out for help - but I feared getting in trouble. I feared the yelling and the consequences that would come if I spoke up and said “I need help.”
So my mouth stayed quiet - but my mind continually raced. I was severely depressed. I battled suicidal thoughts. There were times my body went numb and I physically couldn’t move. I bounced around from one abusive & toxic relationship to the next. Now I had to come up with a new coping mechanism for all the bad relationships -
and that’s when my eating and shopping addiction began.
I became extremely materialistic.
I spent most of my days online shopping, following every influencer I could and buying whatever pointless thing they convinced me that I needed. I overdressed for every occasion - just to gain a little bit of attention. Every outfit had to be perfectly accessorized and every hairstyle perfectly in place - but it never felt like enough.
5 years ago, my life goal was to spend $8,000 on a Chanel purse. I was determined I was going to make it happen - even if I had to put it all on a credit card or do monthly payment arrangements. I needed people to see me as something.
The shopping still wasn’t enough on its own, so I was also turning to food. Going out to eat multiple times a day, drinking Dr. Pepper for every single meal. I wasn’t taking care of myself, I wasn’t nourishing myself, and I wasn’t “living my best life” like I was trying to make everyone believe.
Inside, I was falling apart.
I met my now-husband in 2019, and he showed me love unlike ever before. He completely changed my way of thinking and believing when it came to a healthy relationship. Because he was so good to me, I felt like I didn’t deserve him. I spent a lot of time sabotaging myself and creating absolute emotional chaos in our relationship because of this - but he still loved me through it.
We got married in 2022. Elliot was always good with money, but I, of course, wasn’t. I was still trying to keep up appearances and was only worried about material possessions. I rushed him into buying a house, I rushed into spending a ton of money renovating and decorating it, all while still traveling and adding to my wardrobe.
I never dealt with the problem because I was too busy justifying my choices. “I work hard, I deserve a treat.” “I make enough money, I can afford it.”
That all changed when my little boy made his arrival into the world.
I’m going to be real here and probably sound like an awful person - but I did not enjoy motherhood. I found it hard. I felt hopeless and clueless and I had no idea how to take care of a little human. I spiraled into postpartum depression and dwelled on the trauma of my pregnancy and delivery experience.
If you’re an incredibly selfish person, parenthood is going to be very difficult for you. Being a mother made me realize just how much I was living for myself and not considering others around me. It showed me how truly far away I was from God and the way He called me to live.
It opened my eyes - in the slowest, most painful possible way.
God used this 7 pound little boy to start stirring some things in my heart. I didn’t want to work the way that I used to. I wanted to be present as much as possible. I was determined to be a stay at home mom, but the financial mess I had gotten myself into prior prevented me from doing so.
I didn't go back to my full time job after maternity leave. It was a hard decision, and it was definitely an uncomfortable feeling. I spent most of my maternity leave worrying about finding another job, rather than focusing on the beautiful, precious gift that God had given me.
I finally found a job - a work from home job at that! However, things got worse from there. I had a very toxic manager who would complain about paying me, he would cut my hours down to only 5 a week whenever he pleased. I was constantly living one edge, not able to pay my bills.
Every month I would wonder “Are we going to make it through this month?”- and every month, God provided. Finally, August of 2025, my boss decided to let me go without warning. That very same week, I lost my health insurance.
I felt like everything was crumbling around me.
I found another job very quickly (Thank the Lord!), but it ended up being a similar situation. The people I worked for were great, but my hours were not consistent. Again, every month I spent wondering if we would make it. I was always a minimum of $300 short on bills.
I started having some health issues, but I had no health insurance anymore, so I just tried to ignore them.
In October 2025, I hit my very rock bottom. I was driving to visit my mom when I had a panic attack. I was driving in an area that I wasn’t super familiar with. I felt my face go numb and I pulled over into a random business parking lot.
My heart started racing out of my chest and I was in so much pain. I thought I was having a heart attack! The ambulance finally arrived and took me to the closest emergency room. All I could think to myself is “How did I get here?”
I knew that day, I needed to make a change- But I wasn’t sure what or how to change.
As I started to go through life more slowly and try to rebuild, I noticed how awful my thoughts were. I believed every single lie that entered my mind. As soon as a fearful thought would enter, I would instantly allow myself to not just believe it, but also react to it.
This was the missing piece that I’ve been missing my whole life- everything around me was a product of my thoughts! It gave me a new sense of confidence to realize that my thoughts had the power to make my life beautiful or chaotic. So I wasted no time in trying to improve them!
I’m still on my journey of renewing my mind and transforming my life - and I thought writing about it would be the best way to build my faith and encourage others along the way.
I hope my blog & poetry give you the glimmer of hope that you need to get through your days & I pray that they would lead you closer to God, and closer to creating the life He’s called you to.
