To the Mom Trying To Do It All..
This past week, I was reminded of just how little strength I actually have. It was my off day, and I decided that I was going to complete every item on my to-do list. (Can you relate?) My first goal was to find new ways to correct my toddler with minimal tantrums (if you’re living through the terrible-twos right now, you get it).
I gave my son a very structured, routine day. I did everything right - I gave firm direction, gave five minute warnings to help with transitions, and I even got him to nap perfectly. What a win! You’d think that would be enough, but no - I couldn't stop there.
Next, I decided that I needed my whole house to be spotless. I pushed myself to finish laundry and clean every single room. Finally, my house felt manageable. Another big win right?- well, I still needed to do more.
I made a nice dinner, and I completed all my evening to do’s right after dinner. What a victory! You’d think I would be content to rest at this point, but I found myself asking again “what else can be done?”
Suddenly, I felt an awful migraine come on me, spreading down my neck, shoulders, and back. My heart started racing and my limbs became very heavy.
“I might be a little dehydrated,” I thought to myself. Maybe I should just drink some water.
I drank tons of water, and mineral water on top of that, and I didn’t feel any better.
“Maybe I didn’t eat enough, let me try eating some more.”
I did that, no improvements.
After 5 ½ hours, the fear started to set in - Okay, something must be really wrong with me.
At 11:30pm, I drove myself to the hospital. They ran every possible test on me- chest X-rays, EKGs, Blood work, you name it, they did it. Every test came back showing that I was a normal, healthy 29 year old woman.
So why did I feel so awful with no relief?
I kept trying to come up with an excuse for what happened.
“It was just another sugar crash.”
“It was another panic attack starting.”
“It was just severe exhaustion mixed with slight dehydration.”
However, I started doing some research.
That’s when I discovered that a disregulated nervous system can cause all of that - and all the symptoms that I’ve been experiencing since giving birth to my son two years ago.
The “blood sugar crashes”, the exhaustion, the chronic pain, the bladder issues, the panic attacks and racing thoughts, all of it can be traced back to a nervous system completely out of whack.
The next day, I decided to do a bible study on healing, and I was reading the scriptures in 2 Corinthians 12. The Apostle Paul said that he was given a thorn in his flesh that he asked the Lord to remove three times, but God replied to him saying that his Grace was sufficient, and that his weakness was made perfect in God’s divine strength.
That scripture really spoke to me, and pushed me to ask myself some very important questions.
What is the thorn in my side that I want God to remove but He hasn’t? - Working outside of the home.
Pre-pregnancy, pregnancy, and even post partum, my life goal was to be a stay at home mom, or even to find a remote job. I had all the faith in the world and believed that God was going to do that for me.
Prayer after prayer went unanswered. And I didn’t understand why - until now.
Since postpartum, I have lived in this guilt for having to work outside of the home. I’ve tried to hold myself to the same standards as a homemaker when it comes to motherhood and running a household, and I’ve constantly repeated the guilt filled, shame filled, disappointed thoughts that run through my mind on the daily.
No wonder my nervous system is a wreck!
It finally all clicked for me - I’m trying to do this working mom thing all in my own strength.
I can finally let go of all the pressure, the expectation, and the guilt I felt and rest my nervous system. I can do what I can with what I have and rely on God’s strength for the rest.
I might work outside the home 3-4 times a week, but my son gets to spend quality time with family members who love him.
I might not have a perfectly neat home or a great cleaning routine, but I rely on the Lord to help me prioritize and do what I can with the time that I have.
I might not have a solid daily routine or perfect discipline methods, but that’s okay.
I don’t have to do it all, be it all, and balance it all - and neither do you.
Friend, if you are living through the working mom guilt, buried under a mountain of responsibilities and expectations that you can’t keep up with, know that you aren’t alone. This is your invitation to take some deep breaths, and give your nervous system rest.
It is okay to not have it all and hold it all together.
Accept every imperfection and inability you have and trade it for God’s infinite mercy & strength.
That is where true joy and contentment are found.
What have you been trying to balance that the Lord is inviting you to surrender to Him?
With love & prayer,
